Friday, December 28, 2012

Life Lesson


This has been a wonderful and an interesting year.

For many months, I felt somewhat jaded and let down by a lot of situations and by a lot of people.  I hate having those feelings and hate that those feelings ate away at my spirit for a while.

I had a miscarriage back in October.  I was almost done with my first trimester.  I know people have been through far worse, but this almost tore me up.

While miscarrying, I drove myself and my 2 little ones to the doctor's office...and waited for 3 hours on the table, sobbing.  One of the other doctors in the practice came into my room and took the ultrasound machine away, saying that there was a worried mother in the other room and that they needed to use the machine right away.  I sobbed some more but tried to keep myself together, because I didn't know how to explain to my worried Charlie what was going on.  My doctor finally came in and actually got teary eyed herself.

I felt every emotion possible.  Emotional and physical pain, bitterness, resentment.  You name it, I felt it.

I had the announcements ready to go for Halloween.  I painted the boys' hands and put them on a spider web as spiders with an extra set announcing that there would be another little one coming soon. 

 I about threw the computer across the room when I saw someone blog that they "despised" dressing their baby bump...on the same day that I was packing my maternity clothes up to put back in the attic. 

I couldn't understand how some people don't even enjoy being around their children, yet they are the ones having the children.

I hated that I had to go to the doctor's office for weeks and weeks afterwards because my levels were still too high...and despised the nurse who told me that I couldn't get my flu shot there because I wasn't an "OB" patient...just a "GYN" patient.  (She got an earful, and I got my shot.)

I nearly fell on the floor when I was going in for final miscarriage "stuff" (TMI for the internet) and a lady was coming out complaining that she "wanted a boy, NOT a girl" after her gender ultrasound.

Another big part of this whole thing was I thought that I had already experienced this.  I had already gone through a miscarriage...it was devastating...and I learned from it.  What could I possibly learn from a second one?

A few weeks ago, I actually learned what I think I was supposed to get out of this.  (An experience I'm only sharing with certain family members.)  It was strange, and kind of amazing, and in that moment of realization, I was grateful.

I've also learned that I can't plan everything.  I didn't plan those 2 years of infertility before Charlie, I didn't plan that 1st miscarriage, and I didn't plan this one...but somehow everything has worked out just great.

I'm at peace with everything now, and am beyond grateful for the two sweet, adorable boys that I have to love on everyday.

The other day, as soon as we got home, I turned around to get the boys out of their seats, and saw them doing this ^.  Melted my heart a hundred times over.  

I am so blessed, and have learned to count those blessings every single day.

PS.  This coming up Monday is the last day in 2012 (ahhh!?!?)  I hope you're getting your Favorite Things posts ready to link up with me!


57 comments :

Altax said...

Looks Great!!! Merry Christmas.

Kids Games

Ivy said...

Oh Ash......love you so much. You are a beautiful woman and mother.
--Ivy

Niki Caron said...

The boys holding hands photo is so sweet. It must have been devastating to go through that, especially with all of the background situations you were experiencing at the same time (the blog post while packing up your maternity clothes, the flu shot, etc.). I'm glad you were able to find peace with it and learn from it.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry. But you seem in a really good place. This picture melts my heart. It is my favorite thing my boys do, too.

Head to Toe Chic said...

I can't even imagine how hard this was for you and Noel. Charlie and Walker are so lucky to have you as a Mom and I know you are an amazing Mom. It's so hard to see people who don't want a baby having them, but I know one day you will have your third baby :)

Hailey said...

Loosing a child no matter what age is hard. It never gets better but I know exactly what you mean about looking at the two precious little ones you have. I am sorry you had to experience that and for me the OB nurses were the worst when finding out about my little man Carter. I am so glad I found your blog, I really love your posts and think you are an amazing woman.
Hailey @ Love, Laughter and Lipstick

Robin said...

I'm so sorry you went through that. :( It sickens me when I read things like this and then I hear about women who are casually popping out five or six kids. They don't seem to understand what a big deal it really is.

"I couldn't understand how some people don't even enjoy being around their children, yet they are the ones having the children." <-- Well said. That's one reason why I am not having them myself. I simply don't prefer to have them myself, and I think it's sad when children are treated like chores. I couldn't bring one into the world knowing that someone else out there probably wants them and can't have them.

Brenna said...

Ashley,

I am truly sorry for your loss. Continue to take as much time as you need to mourn and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Hang in there.

brenna

Real College Student of Atlanta said...

great reflective post- wishing you a great 2013! <3

Helene said...

thank you so much for sharing this story ashley. you are so strong and I can't even imagine what that must have felt like. It's also crazy to me how inconsiderate others are. but I am so happy you were able to see the good in it.

still being [molly] said...

ashley, what a beautiful post. i'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. i can't even imagine. but i love seeing your positive outlook and how blessed you feel by your two boys!

Erin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Ashley, but you've clearly handled it with such grace and for that you should be very proud. I've never been pregnant (not even close to trying!), but I've always had a nagging suspicion I'd have fertility issues, because my mom did ("oops" baby doesn't even begin to cover it ;). It's refreshing to hear that someone can go through two horrible, sad situations and still come out smiling, feeling blessed, and with two handsome boys to show for it, too! Perspective is amazing, isn't it?

Have a great weekend! xo

Brianna Tucker said...

What a beautiful story. I will be praying and thinking of you.

Alix said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. God is now using you and your story to help others find peace. Thank you for being so strong and courageous.
Alix@Love Always

lost in travels said...

such a great encouragement. god is so faithful to bring the good out of such hurtful experiences. i'm so glad to hear that he has revealed some of it to you and you were comforted by it. merry christmas!

The Not Quite Military Wife said...

This absolutely breaks my heart that you had to go through this. I can only imagine what it was like for you. What I do know is that you are such a strong and beautiful mother to those two little boys. Give those two little ones a big hug and kiss, they are so worth it!

Laurie @ The Rookie Wife said...

SO sorry to hear about the miscarraige, I had one in March and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I miscarried at 7 weeks and they told me there was no heartbeat. I was a little taken aback at how uncaring some people seemed. Some were extra supportive and for those people I am grateful. I didn't do a D&C and wish I had.. it might have made the process and bond I had with my unborn child a little less hard to deal with. I didn't pass the fetus until almost 3 weeks later and I cried every day and for a whole week after. I felt awful for my husband who didn't quite know how to comfort me. There were plenty of times when we both just layed in bed and he held me as I cried reassuring me it was okay. I was worried. What if something was wrong with me or if I had done something wrong?! I shared how I felt a little bit later in this post. http://rookiewife520.blogspot.com/2012/06/my-miscarriage-4-months-later.html

I'm at a good place right now.. pregnant agian, but those first few months I was a worried mess!

I'm so glad you were able to get through this. God has a purpose for everything. :) Wishing you all the best in the new year!

Johanna said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you know you're never alone and I appreciate the courage it took for you to write this. Have a blessed NYE

Sally said...

You have been through some pretty tough times. Hang in there.

Katie said...

ashley thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it had to be hard to process through this again and it is so encouraging that you have worked through it and are still learning and letting God use it. i think you will be a blessing and encouragement for others that go through such a painful experience.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that Ashley. I think when women open up about something this personal, it shows a lot about their character. This isn't something you should get over easily, and don't let anyone tell you that. I wish you the best in 2013- you deserve it! And you two little boys always bring a smile to my face when I read your posts :)

TheTinyHeart said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Ashley. I love that you see the positive in this and I think your story will be very helpful to other women going through the same thing.

-Sharon
The Tiny Heart

B said...

wow you are so strong. that you for sharing your story so honestly. i know so many women who have experienced miscarriages and felt so alone. by sharing your experience and how you felt you will certainly help others cope with this awful loss. at this point, i cannot relate since i don't have children, but you are amazing.

charlie and walker holding hands and being so sweet is just a reflection of what a loving, kind mother they have. :)

J and A said...

You are so strong. What a brave post. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you went through all that, my heart hurt reading it. I have felt the same as you did in some of those incidences you mentioned. The world can be tough when you are hurting. But you came out of this so strong.
Ps. That photo of your boys is adorable.

Sam M said...

I can't even imagine what it must be like to go through this as I don't have my own children, but I have watched my sisters go through it, and it's just heartbreaking. I am so glad that, as you said, you learned something from it, that at least the smallest amount of good could come from such a horrible experience.

Shelli Poole said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I'm glad you were able to write about this. Your boys are simply beautiful, and I know they light up your life every day! *HUGS* to you, and the hard times we go through as humans. Somehow, amazingly, there is always an answer in the end...I'm happy to hear you might be finding yours. I know it still hurts though, so here is another HUG for you!!

Kristen said...

Ashley, thank you for writing this. I am so glad you were able to learn something, I hope you never have to go through anything like this ever again!! Charlie and Walker are so lucky to have you as their mom! :)

Kayla Peveler said...

I know we've spoken about this before, and how traumatic it was for you... but seeing you write it all out again in story format just breaks my heart all over again for you. But you are so strong, and I'm glad you know there is a plan for your life and you are beyond blessed with those two cute little hunks you've got. Love ya, Ashley! You're an inspiration.

PS- definitely linking up Monday, can't wait!!! Last of 2012. Crazy how time flies!!

Megan said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried between my boys and it was one of the hardest things I have gone through.

Ashlyn said...

Ash I am so sorry for you. I cannot even imagine how seeing that blogger complain about her bump or hearing that woman complain about her baby'sgender affected you. I think it is amazing that, through everything, you were able to still find a way to learn from the experience. That just speaks volumes about you as a person and your strength of character.

Katie said...

Ashley, I am so very sorry. I know your heart must be breaking. What an amazing mom you are to your little boys. They are so lucky to have you!

Kenzie @ Life According to Kenz said...

Ashley, I am so sorry to hear this. Please know I am praying my heart out for you. Thank you for sharing such an honest, transparent post. You are incredible.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox,
Kenz
www.lifeaccordingtokenz-xo.blogspot.com

Carlie said...

I seriously could not even imagine the pain you felt and are probably still feeling. Thanks for sharing a little bit with us on here. The picture of the boys just melts my heart. I can tell those boys are lucky to have you a their mom!

Carlie said...

as*

Emily Beth said...

Such a sweet picture! I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've never been pregnant, so I can't relate totally, but I've wanted to be a mom FOREVER and I've felt that jealousy and anger when others whine about being a mom, or take motherhood for granted.

xo Emily Beth @ Inspired Attire

Brielle said...

I am so sorry to hear this, my heart breaks for you. I hope you never have to experience anything like that again. I wish I could give you a hug!

Krista said...

Oh Ashley, I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage as well before E was born. Though mine was earlier on and we hadn't been planning much at that point. I can only imagine the pain your heart felt. And while it does not erase the pain, I am so thankful you have those two beautiful little boys in your life to help you recover. The best help for me was to focus on L, his innocence and joy helped me to move on.

Wishing you continued peace Ashley! God bless!

carrieburke said...

This was such a touching and inspirational post! We all have those terrible moments when it feels like the whole world is crashing down around us. But when we have those moments when we realize that it happened for a reason, the world seems to brighten up! Thanks for sharing such a personal story with all of us (:

Carrie

Little Rosalie said...

My heart aches for you. You're such an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman! You and your family will be in my prayers. God's peace and understanding and complete joy be with you!

vintagelillies said...

I'm sorry you went through that :( at least you learned something valuable from it. You are so strong for staying strong through all of that. You are an amazing mother to your boys, and even through the internet, you can tell you love them so much. And that photo is so cute, what a beautiful photo :)

Jenny @ Spry On The Wall said...

Oh Ashley, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sending a virtual hug your way. Your boys are blessed to have such a strong and loving mom like you.

Kelly Ann said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that and that people were so mean. It does not even seem real that people could be that insensitive! My prayers go out to you and your family for a very VERY happy 2013!

xx
Kelly
Sparkles and Shoes
500 Follower Kate Spade Giveaway

Myrna Wilson said...

I'm so sorry you had to face this in 2012. I had a similar start to the year.
Keep your head up and have faith 2013 will be full of joy, even if it may come in the package you envisioned.

X
Myrna

Alicia Andrus said...

I'm sorry you had to go through this. We had a miscarriage back in May after months and months of trying. It's so hard to go through. But I've found that there's always some little blessing in it. I'm amazed sometimes that God has trust enough in me to put me through these trials. Big hugs to you!

Brooke said...

Oh Ashley, you sweet sweet thing. Miscarriages are the worst thing. You're so strong. I'm sure this post was painful to write, but it would have been even worse if this beauty had not been shared with the world.

Eve Naylor said...

You're so strong Ashley, and beautiful inside and out.

Franziska said...

I'm so so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can't even imagine how that must be. I'm terrified that I won't be able to have children some day, so I feel for you. I'm so happy that you already have that joy in your life but I hope you add another little one soon.

I hope you frame that holding hands picture. It is adorable.

Cassi Brightforest said...

Such heartache, but a beautiful picture of such blessing. It's in both that we truly see God's plans for us. Prayers to going out to you

Amy - Louise said...

Ashley, my heart goes out to you. I've also been through this twice and felt it all with you reading this. You're such a strong and beautiful person and that photo shows what a blessing our children are. I'm sure the New Year will bring happier times xx

Katie said...

Oh girl. I just read this. I wish that I had the magical perfect words to take away your pain. It sounds like you have worked through the grief, but if you still have sad moments....or sad days, you just take those sad days. It is okay. All of the feelings are yours and they are valid and right and you are a strong woman who will find the grace in this sorrow. XOXO.

Theresa said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I have not been through a miscarriage myself, but as a woman and a mother, I can only imagine the grief you had to endure. I am glad you are starting to find peace once again. Wishing you joyful days and many new blessings in the New Year :)

Pharr Away said...

Ashley,

I've been thinking about this post since I read it on Friday and just couldn't find the words to respond as my heart ached for you. I can not imagine going through this once, let alone twice and to add to that, having the courage to share it. I truly admire your strength, Ashley!

With so much love and prayers sent your way,

-Nicole

P.S. The boy's holding hands is definitely a heart melt(er) :)!

lori said...

oh, ashley my heart hurts for you. i can only imagine what you were and are going through. those boys of yours are so precious, and i am sure your family will be so blessed in 2013! much love and many prayers to you, sweet friend.

Tyne Swedish said...

Oh babe! I am so sorry for your loss! It is not the worst thing as you say but damn if it doesn't hurt. My youngest aunt had a lot of miscarriages while I was growing up and it did hurt seeing people have children and harm them while my aunt with the heart too large for Earth couldn't. I adore you and I know your boys worship you. You just have to keep your head high and know that while it sucks so terribly bad there was a reason behind it that you can't foresee, at least not yet. Have a beautiful 2013 darling.

Chao
Poppie
http://thepoppie.com

stephanie said...

my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the pain, here's to hoping a new year brings new joys and precious memories.

rooth said...

Ashley, thanks for sharing all of this with us and for sharing the emotional rollercoaster that you went through as well. I'm sorry to hear about it and can't imagine how tough it was to be the strong momma to your boys during that time when you were so grief stricken. I hope that you are physically recovered from it and someday will be emotionally recovered as well.

Emily said...

I've waited to comment on this post because I wasn't sure how to word what I wanted to say, but you know what? That is silly. Everyone here is already saying it. You are so strong and your strength and faith and love shines through everything you do. And it was especially shining through as I read your post and how you put together your thoughts on the whole matter. Sometimes it is so hard to see God's plan, but I am so happy to see you are feeling some sort of peace. XO

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